The woman of my dreams

Someone wrote a comment about my previous post and asked if I’ve thought about and written down what I want in a partner. Yes, I’ve been thinking about that for many years and have been writing about it for that long, too. So, I'll share it with you now. It’s long because I’ve put nearly everything I can think of that I care about in it. (There are a few things that I'll wait to share with someone I'm getting involved with. My sexual preferences are an example of that.) It’s a working document. In other words, I may change or add to it at any time as I become aware of something that isn’t exactly right for me or that needs to be added.

Being intentionally redundant, I want to point out that the woman I'm looking for won’t necessarily have ALL of the listed characteristics. This is a picture of a dream woman. The real woman I connect with will have many of these characteristics, but probably won’t be a perfect match for my dream.

If, as you read this, you think of someone who fits much of what I say, let me know. Or send this to her. Or tell her how to find it. If you help me find my future wife, I'll give you some kind of great reward.

Warmly,
Michael

The Woman of My Dreams

Here are some of the important characteristics that I imagine will describe my spiritually right primary partner (and they’re also characteristics that draw me to people as friends). I’m looking for an exceptional woman, though I don’t expect that she’ll necessarily have all of these characteristics.

As always, I surrender all of this to God’s will and have faith that my right partner will be like this or else will be something even more spiritually appropriate for me.

Everything I say I’d like to be true of my dream woman is also true of me. In some cases I'll say more about how a characteristic is relevant to myself; in others I won’t.

* She lives in Santa Fe, likes living here, and wants to continue living here. I'm in Santa Fe because I’ve been spiritually called to be here. I’ll only move if I'm spiritually called to somewhere else.

* She’s looking forward to being in a long-term committed relationship and eventually to getting married. She likes being in a committed relationship.

* She’s looking forward to living with the man she loves (sooner or later, but not too much later – within a year).

* When she’s in a romantic relationship, she thinks and talks like part of a couple. She knows how to be interdependent (part of a team) rather than either independent or enmeshed. She’ll have no limits to giving or receiving help to or from me, trusting that neither of us will be dependent, addictive, or helpless without the other.

* She likes spending a lot of our free time together (but not all of it). She usually prefers doing things (movies, museums, concerts, travel, restaurants, etc.) together and sharing them rather than doing them alone. She’d rather, for example, see the exhibits at a museum, together and discuss them than walk around the museum independently and occasionally connect to talk about it.

* She loves sleeping together and experiences it as a loss when we don’t sleep together.

* She’s affectionate, loves touching, cuddling, holding, and holding hands, and she does a lot of it. I’ve had difficulty in the past with women who don’t like to be touched or held while we’re sleeping. She enjoys exchanging massages. She may have already taken a massage class. If she hasn’t, she’s eager to learn.

* Sex is important to her. She loves it and enjoys it frequently (at least several times a week). She is very expressive during sex. She appreciates variety and trying new things. Sometimes she enjoys getting wild and kinky. She has few limits to what she’d enjoy experiencing together. Sometimes she enjoys dressing and acting sexy. She occasionally enjoys sharing erotic videos. Sometimes she wants sex just because she feels horny. Though she prefers sex in the context of a loving relationship, she has enjoyed the experience of having sex with someone she wasn’t in a romantic relationship with just for the pleasure of it. When she isn’t in a relationship or is separated from her partner for some reason, she masturbates regularly. She likes at least most of the same things I do sexually, and we’ll discuss what each of us likes fairly early on in the relationship. On the other hand, she would never do something sexually that I’d feel hurt by.

* Spiritually, she appreciates (and is probably already involved in at least some of) mysticism, Eckhart Tolle/The Power of Now, Abraham-Hicks, New Thought (Unity, Religious Science, Association for Global New Thought), A Course in Miracles, Buddhist meditation, Marianne Williamson, Mary Manin Morrissey, Leslie Temple-Thurston (CoreLight), Sufism, Quakerism, and Unitarian Universalism – all of which are important parts of my spiritual path. She’ll eagerly attend church services (Unity, Religious Science, other New Thought, and interfaith) and spiritual classes and workshops with me regularly. She’ll practice what she learns there. She’s consciously been on a spiritual path for some time and has participated in more than a few spiritual classes and workshops – including some recently. My spiritual activities are a central part of my life, and that’s something I very much want to share with my partner.

* She’s committed to having a conscious relationship and to sharing Real Love and is eager to do what it takes (both inner work and interpersonal communication, exploration, and negotiation) to make that happen. She likes my description of the kind of relationship I want (see that separate document). She eagerly attends relationship classes and workshops with me and practices what she learns in them and in her reading.

* She believes that gender roles are incompatible with conscious and spiritual relationships. We both strive to be whole people who balance initiating and responding, paying and being paid for, giving and receiving, nurturing and being nurtured, and other things that are often divided into men’s and women’s roles by traditional society.

* She has participated in a variety of growth and healing workshops and personal work. She has experienced and appreciated (or would be eager to experience) many of the ones that I particularly value:

- Leap of Faith (if she hasn’t already participated, she’ll be
willing to go to Seattle with me to take it)
- HeartMath
- Nonviolent (Compassionate) Communication
- The Sedona Method
- The Work (Byron Katie)
- Inner Bonding
- Enlightenment Intensives
- Percept Orientation
- Voice Dialogue
- Focusing
- The Option Process
- EMDR (or its first cousin, Rapid Eye Technology)
- Breath work (Holographic, Rebirthing, etc.)
- Gestalt therapy

She’ll also introduce me to new opportunities for growth and healing. She’s comfortable and experienced with shadow work, and knows that love will bring the shadow to the surface for healing and release. She wants to attend growth and healing classes and workshops with me and to practice what she learns.

* She has attended (or would have liked to attend) many of the following events that I’ve attended in Santa Fe in the past few years:

- Marianne Williamson’s lecture
- Greg Baer’s workshops on Real Love and Wise Men and
Wise Women
- Marshall Rosenberg’s workshop on Nonviolent
(Compassionate) Communication
- Karen McPhee’s workshops about living in the now
- Leslie Temple-Thurston’s darshans
- The Power of Now for Couples
- Heather Ash’s lecture on The Four Elements of Change
- Margaret Paul’s workshop on Inner Bonding
- Pamela Wilson’s satsangs
- the Whole Life Expo
- Stephen Simon’s workshop on spiritual cinema
- the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know!?” (probably
more than once)
- What the Bleep – The Workshop
- Dr. Joe Dispenza’s lecture (he’s the “creating your
day” man from “What the Bleep”)
- Byron Katie’s workshop (one that I missed but would
have like to attend)
- Spiritual Movie Nights offered by the Santa Fe
Spiritual Cinema Community
- church services at Unity Santa Fe, Church of Religious
Science, and The Celebration

* She’s interested in the kinds of events (spiritual, relationship, growth, healing, entertainment, etc.) that I participate in, facilitate, produce, promote, and recommend, appreciates knowing about them and attends many of them.

* She’s read and appreciates at least some of the books that are crucial to who I am, what I believe, and what I want in a relationship (and she’s interested in reading more of them):

- Real Love by Greg Baer
- Real Love in Marriage by Greg Baer
- Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson
- The Conscious Heart by Kathlyn & Gay Hendricks
- Conscious Loving by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks
- The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
- A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson
- Building Your Field of Dreams by Mary Manin Morrissey
- The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav
- The Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin
- Loving What Is by Byron Katie
- Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by God? by
Margaret Paul
- Nonviolent Communication; a Language of Compassion
by Marshall Rosenberg
- The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz
- The Mastery of Love by don Miguel Ruiz
- Dare to Be Yourself (and other books) by Alan Cohen
- The I of the Storm by Gary Simmons
- Illusions by Richard Bach
- If the Buddha Dated by Charlotte Kasl
- If the Buddha Married by Charlotte Kasl
- The Shared Heart by Barry and Joyce Vissell
- Light in the Mirror by Barry and Joyce Vissell
- The Eight Essential Traits of Couples Who Thrive by
Susan Page
- If We’re So In Love, Why Aren’t We Happy?: Using
Spiritual Principles to Solve Real Problems by Susan
Page
- If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? by Susan
Page
- Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real by Susan
Campbell
- The Unimaginable Life by Kenny & Julia Loggins
- Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach

She’ll understand that, although I value these authors and books, I don’t agree 100% with anyone. She’ll also introduce me to authors and books that are important to her.

* She’s a consumer of alternative health practices and prefers them to traditional Western medicine. She may also have training in one or more healing practices.

* She doesn’t smoke, drinks little or not at all, and doesn’t use drugs. If she ever has done any of those things more than casually, she’s been in recovery for at least several years. I’ve never smoked, have never drunk much (no alcohol at all in the past nearly 4 years), and have never been fond of drugs.

* She’s in the vicinity of height-weight proportionate and is reasonably fit. She would never let herself get fat.

* She’s comfortable with her body and other people’s and with both of us being nude at home and in appropriate semi-public places (clothing-optional beaches, hot springs, hot tubs, massage classes, etc.). She at least sometimes wears thong underwear and clothing that leaves her midriff bare. She’d be comfortable with me photographing her nude and probably already has photos of her nude from the past.

* If, in the course of my acting career, I'm called on to perform nude scenes and/or do love scenes, she’d accept that.

* She thinks she’s attractive, and so do I. She’ll find me attractive, too.

* She’s comfortable with me having women friends (including former lovers) and has men friends (maybe including former lovers).

* She isn’t threatened by my feeling attracted to other women because she trusts that I won’t do anything with anyone else that would hurt her. She isn’t reluctant to acknowledge that she finds other men attractive, too. She likes knowing that she’s being chosen from among many attractive women, as I like knowing I’m being chosen from among many attractive men.

* She’s exceptionally open and honest. She appreciates what Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks call “microscopic honesty.” She understands that this level of honesty thrives in an atmosphere of unconditional acceptance.

* She’s openly self-expressive in many ways, cries freely, and is comfortable with the same from me.

* She’s loving and compassionate.

* She’s accepting and nonjudgmental with me and with people and life in general. She’s working on becoming even more so.

* She rarely gets angry, and, when she does, she gets over it quickly. She doesn’t attack, blame, criticize, or put people down when she is angry (or other times, either).

* She focuses on her own input into circumstances and events rather than on other people’s. She asks, “What could I do differently” rather than blaming other people.

* She’s emotionally fluent, knows her own feelings, and is comfortable talking about them. She rarely acts them out. She owns her feelings and knows that her consciousness, not other people or circumstances, is responsible for them. All of this is much more true of me than of most men.

* She supports and encourages me in all my endeavors, as I do her in her endeavors. We’re each other’s cheerleaders. We both like to attend whatever the other one does whenever we possibly can – lectures, performances, workshops, shows, open houses, etc.

* She values and is interested in my work and appreciates my interest in hers.

* She’s able to be very present with people.

* She’s skilled in finding mutually satisfying solutions to differences without fighting and is willing to become more so.

* She’s committed to equality in our relationship.

* She isn’t overly interested in money and doesn’t judge people based on how much they have or don’t have. I don’t care if she’s currently a billionaire or low income. She’ll be willing to work with me to enhance our prosperity consciousnesses, though.

* She loves attending movies and theater and likes the same kinds I do. I especially like movies with themes related to spirituality, relationships, and personal growth. Some examples of all-time favorites are:

- What the Bleep Do We Know!?
- Sleepless in Seattle
- Resurrection (the version with Ellen Burstyn)
- Contact
- Crossing Delancey
- Close Encounters of the Third Kind
- When Harry Met Sally
- Field of Dreams
- Whale Rider
- Seabiscuit
- The Horse Whisperer
- Picnic at Hanging Rock
- The Legend of Bagger Vance
- Chariots of Fire
- Don Juan DeMarco
- Rudy (the one about the football player who wants to
go to Notre Dame, not the one about Rudy Giuliani)
- It’s a Wonderful Life
- Defending Your Life
- Cocoon
- Powder
- Forrest Gump
- Groundhog Day
- Gandhi
- Into the West

I don't like violence, explosions, car chases, action-adventure, or sophomoric humor.

* She watches TV selectively and likes some of the same programs I do. Some of my favorites (whether they’re still on or not) are:

- Movies
- Joan of Arcadia
- Touched by an Angel
- Everwood
- American Dreams
- Grey’s Anatomy
- Desperate Housewives
- Gilmore Girls
- Six Feet Under
- Wildfire
- Beautiful People
- Ghost Whisperer
- Quantum Leap
- The L Word
- Queer as Folk
- Oprah Winfrey
- Saturday Night Live
- Star Trek: Next Generation
- Star Trek: Voyager
- Major award shows (Academy Awards, Emmies, etc.)
- Some sports (especially Seattle pro teams, UNM, and
the Olympics)

* She has a sense of humor that’s compatible with mine.

* She may do something that puts her in front of groups of people – teaching, speaking, performing, or whatever. I love being in front of groups. It would be fun to speak, teach, perform, or whatever with my partner.

* She’s youthful in appearance, spirit, and lifestyle, no matter what her chronological age. People probably guess her to be much younger than she really is.

* She’s probably creative in some way.

* She is unconventional and doesn’t share most of what I think of as Middle American consciousness or values. I’m a Cultural Creative, an adult Indigo, a former hippie and folkie who still holds a lot of the values from his hippie/folkie past, a male feminist, an INFP, a 4 on the Enneagram, and a Highly Sensitive Person – all out of the ordinary for men in the U.S. A good part of the time I’m looking either outside the box or else inside myself for answers.

* She has an affinity for hippie culture (by that I mean the real hippie culture of the late ‘60s, not the pseudo-hippies) and knows that consciousness and values, not dress, are what made someone a hippie.

* She’s intelligent and probably has earned at least a bachelor’s degree. I'm unusually intelligent – a Phi Beta Kappa, etc. – and have earned 2 master’s degrees (and completed all but my thesis on a third).

* This may seem picky, and I keep finding that it matters to me: She uses good grammar.

* She thinks positively, at least most of the time.

* She’s a people-helper by nature, in some way, professionally or by avocation. Most of my work is and has been about contributing to the spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, relationship, and other well-being of people.

* She loves children, whether she has any of her own or not. I do, though I’ve never had any kids of my own.

* She also loves dogs and cats.

* She strongly supports peaceful solutions to disagreements and differences and doesn’t support war as a supposed path to peace. I've been a peace advocate since the middle ‘60s and am totally opposed to President Bush’s war in Iraq.

* She’s politically liberal, as I am, though neither of us is particularly interested in politics. Dennis Kucinich is one of the few politicians who really speaks my language. I voted for John Kerry as the lesser of 2 evils, but as the clearly and significantly preferable candidate. Love, kindness, and compassion are the organizing principles of my political positions. A few of the political positions I hold that she probably shares are:

- Support for a Department of Peace
- Pro-choice
- Gay/lesbian rights and legalization of same-sex
marriage
- Arms reductions
- Support for the United Nations
- Environmental preservation
- Universal health insurance
- Elimination of the death penalty
- Living wages
- Eliminating “crimes without victims” laws

* She dresses casually in her free time and wears things like t-shirts, jeans, and running shoes a lot of the time.

* She appreciates me the way I am – my being, personality, values, appearance, size, shape, and age – and won’t have agendas to change me.

* Most of all, though, she just loves me and wants to be with me – without reason and even though we have differences. I’ll feel the same about her.

Once again, I want to point out that the woman I'm looking for won’t necessarily have ALL of the listed characteristics. This is a picture of a dream woman. The real woman I connect with will have many of these characteristics, but probably won’t be a perfect match for my dream.

And also once again, I surrender all of this to God’s will and have faith that my right partner will be like this or else will be something even more spiritually appropriate for me.